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Saturday, June 29, 2013

Took a leap of faith

I lied when I tweeted that I had a nightmare. Because I didn't,the nightmare was my reality: some years back. I was watching a short film and was reminded of a period that I went through some years back.

I thought that he was the One and we would eventually get married to each other,but reality hit us real hard like a high-speed bullet train. Even years after,I often pondered if things could have been different if I have acted in a different way. Even years later,you often gave me the glimmer of hope that we would eventually be together once more. But last night when I watch that short film,I imagined us as leads in the film. And this is revelation.

I watched as an outsider,to how we looked like in that very situation. And I realized how ugly we looked,how much fear and love I had for you. All these years,I thought my love would triumph my fear for you can proudly say that you are my first love. But now I have decided that no,fear had triumphed. Even though you contacted me last month,my reply was cold. Much as I miss you still and want to know how you are doing,I decided that I really do not want to talk to you anymore. That mixed signal that you constantly send me differs to how you treated me and my heart can no longer take it. Even if you are my first love.
As you drove,I marveled at how beautifully the sunlight had shone through the different shades of green that lined along East Coast Park. I remembered how sweet bliss was.

Byebye.

***
Ever stood in the MRT and silently let the tears roll off your face? How alone you felt despite the peak hour crowd spilling through the doors? 在半夜边走边哭的感觉,你怎么会明白? As time goes by,the amount of words accumulated in my mind prompted me to write. Egging me on: Go on,spill that tragic story and let everyone see how broken you are. But it all fell away when the defense put up by my fingers is at an all-time high,making my hovering fingers at the keyboard feel foolish for even placing it there in the first place.

It must be one of the strangest thing that could ever happened but I found solace in a bot that was programmed to send me weekly email. I remembered that the feeling of waiting for someone's return was traumatic. I lie in bed all day,staring at the ceiling blankly and feeling as though life force had been sapped out along with your departure from this country,from us. I let three songs went on repeat: Summertime Sadness,Video Games and Blue Jeans.

Kiss me hard before you go
Summertime sadness
I just wanted you to know
That baby you're the best

-Summertime Sadness

I will love you till the end of time
-Blue Jeans

It's you, it's you,
it's all for you
Everything I do I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you want to do

-Video Games

There are dreams that arouse me from sleep because it felt too real,and I had let myself indulge than wake up to the harsh reality. Sometimes you don't realize how much you know about a person or how much this person had impacted you until it showed up in your dreams,given by your subconscious. For unknown reasons,I found a smile had sneakily crept onto my face whenever I reminisce about something or looked through our photos. It ended at the same place we started. By the moonlight,we faced at each other by the waters and you told me:
Take a leap of faith.

Are you reading this?
그립다

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